Song Playing: "Clay"
An Original by Catherine Mulhern
EK
One of the reasons I hate this sickness is that I can't pretend to have everything under control anymore. I used to constantly try to convince everyone, myself included, of just that: I have everything put together and there is nothing that can make it fall apart. I still fall into that habit so often... It's too terrifying not to. But over the past two years, without wanting it, I have come face to face with my humanity-my brokenness, my weaknesses, my inabilities-and it is not an easy thing to look at.
I was talking to a good friend about it and we were discussing how it initially seems like our humanity-our dependence, our insecurities-hold us back from living the best possible life. If only this insecurity or that temptation that I continuously give in to were taken away, I could live such a holier life. But after some time we came to the conclusion that getting rid of these things would not make us stronger, but maybe, it's only when we are able to accept ourselves as we are when facing these things, when we are able to recognize our weakness, when we are able to embrace our humanity, only then can we live our lives to the fullest.
We never really came to a conclusion of how it all fit together, but we continued to pray about it and ponder because we knew there was some truth there.
About a week later I was reading a Lenten meditation and more light was shed...
I then saw the above picture, and the Holy Spirit continued to inspire:
We must first be saved, pulled out of the water. But we must first realize we are drowning before we can be saved, before we can encounter Him in such a deeper way. We must see our rawness and, no matter how much it terrifies us, we must allow Him to look at it too. When we do so, we will see that He has mercy, that He forgives, and that He saves. Then, and only then, can we allow Him to pull us out of the water and gain the freedom to live in the Love that we are truly given. When He pulls us out of the water, He isn't pulling us out of sin. We still remain wet. Rather, when we grab His hand, in embracing our humanity, in recognizing the depth of our sin and choosing to call out to Him, accepting His mercy, He pulls us out of the water, allowing us to breathe. We still sin, we are simply not drowning in it anymore. It's interesting that this reflection came from a picture where we are immersed in water, but this is exactly what He is doing when He leads us into the desert just like the bible verse* says. We have to let Him lead us there... to that terrifying place, that we may find freedom.
Only when we embrace our weakness, our failures, our inclination to sin, only when we allow Christ to forgive us when we cannot forgive ourselves, only when we accept that we will fall over and over again in the future, and only when we decide to allow Christ to pick us up every time we fall for the rest of our lives, only then can we truly live. When Christ gives us the opportunity to see ourselves as we truly are, when He gives us the opportunity to encounter His mercy, let us be courageous and ask for the grace to embrace our humanity, that we may truly live, fully and freely.
*"Thus says the Lord: I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. She shall respond there as in the days of her youth, when she came up from the land of Egypt. I will espouse you to me forever; I will espouse you in right and justice, in love and in mercy, I will espouse you in fidelity, and you shall know the Lord." Hosea 2:16b, 17b, 21-22
Embracing My Humanity
This light was inspired by the following quote: "We must continue into the desert as we enter into the sanctuary of our soul to see Him, learn from Him, listen to Him... 'Lord, our hearts are restless until they rest in you.' (Saint Augustine)"
And this is what the Holy Spirit inspired:
As we get to know ourselves more and we search deeper into our souls, we encounter our faults and our sins and our grime, realizing our rawness. As we go deeper into our humanity, into the deepest parts of our soul, we encounter Christ, and we see that He meets us there. He is totally aware of our filth. He is not surprised or scandalized. He is not disgusted as we are with ourselves. He loves us anyway.
And as we go deeper and see our true selves more and more, we also discover how deeply we are loved by Him, regardless of that grime. The deeper we go in our own sin, the deeper our understanding of His love for us is. As we are exposed to ourselves, we will be repulsed and we will be terrified. We ask, "How can He still love me when I cannot love myself after looking at all my faults and failures?"
But in the end, we know that we are loved by the way He responds: with love, mercy, and an embrace of peace, hope, and forgiveness. We then come to find the beauty and necessity of embracing ourselves as we are, just as He embraces us as we are. It is His example of embracing us that allows us to embrace our humanity and our rawness, that terrifies us so much...
He first embraces us and we learn from Him to embrace ourselves, love ourselves, and accept ourselves where we are. And when we do that, we can freely live. We can fully live. So often we try to run away from our sin, but it's when we acknowledge our sin and recognize our weakness, which is terrifying, but only then can we really strive for holiness rather than running away from our sins, because only then do we accept the mercy and grace being offered.
It makes sense, as a natural inclination, to want to run away from our sin because, who wants to face their mistakes, let alone bare them to others? But if we run away from our sin or choose to never face it, we cannot really encounter God and grow in our relationship with Him, we cannot see who we are in His eyes. Our first encounter with Him has to be one of repentance, one of acceptance of mercy. Without knowing the mercy of God, we cannot really know God. Or if we can know Him, we are missing too much that will hold us back from growing closer to Him. If we do not think He can accept us at our worst, how can we trust Him enough to take a step closer when He and I are both looking at all of my weakness and sin.
"What Jesus Did For Me"
By Yongkim Kim