"I don't know what to do next..." This is a phrase that has become all too common in my life. When it's not coming from the doctors, it's coming from me. My name is Catherine, I'm 20 years old, and I want to share a story with you. It's a story that has so many beautiful moments, incredible blessings, and much laughter, but it is also a story of fear, unforeseen struggles, seemingly unending frustration, and being powerless in many circumstances. It's a story that some will see as a hopeless situation, which I understand, because I used to see it that way too, but hear me out. The story I want to share is my own. I can't tell you the ending quite yet because I am still living out the plot, but I can tell you that if you feel like you are living a similar story, yours, just like mine, is a story worth living.

 

         So here it is: I have been struggling with severe symptoms since my senior year of high school. From extreme fatigue, bad headaches and brain fog to vision problems and dizziness every time I stand up. Much of the past two years have felt more like surviving than living. Not only has it been hard living a life that is anything but "normal," but my symptoms have been and continue to be diagnosed, re-diagnosed, misdiagnosed, claimed to be curable by some doctors while incurable by others, constantly resulting in further frustration and fear. “Is it ever going to end?” is sometimes a heavier cross to carry than the physical suffering. Where is God? Why is He allowing this? These are the questions I have been asking since day one. I thought He wanted me to be happy…

 

         But through much prayer, grace, and encouragement, I have been able to see that He has been by me the whole time, waiting for my permission to help me carry my cross. When I finally gave Him permission, I thought He would take the whole thing. “Here’s my cross, Jesus! Take my suffering and my pain, take it all! If I knew you were here all of this time, I would have handed it over sooner!” I very soon found out that when we allow Christ to help us carry our cross, it doesn’t mean the cross will disappear or that we will gain some super strength to carry it, but we do gain a companion who knows what it’s like to carry the burden of the cross on His shoulders, who understands, who loves us unconditionally, who encourages in moments where we need to push through, and holds us in moments where we just can’t keep going anymore… Once you encounter Christ as your companion and come to terms with the fact that you are His beloved and that everything He permits in your life is to prepare you to spend eternity with Him, things change… The cross is just as heavy, the burden just as intense, the suffering just as raw, but there is a deep joy and trust that cannot be shaken no matter the circumstance. I know that God never forgets His promises (Psalm 105:8). He has promised me that He is with me and that He will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:8), that He is my strength (Psalm 28:7) and that His strength shines brightest through my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), that He will never cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9) and that He loves me (John 3:16). That I am His. His beloved. His princess. His little sheep, worthy of being sought out, even if it means leaving the other 99 behind. His delicate rose. His daughter. His precious soul that He will never stop pursuing, that He will NEVER stop fighting for. I don't know when this suffering will end, but I do know He will be by me for every second of it.

 

         The point of this site isn’t to keep you up to date on my prognosis, but to share reflections I’ve had as I continue to pray about and ponder why we suffer, the "beauty" of suffering, our smallness, how God shows His strength through weakness and all sorts of other things. I just hope that they will encourage you to keep going as they have done for me. In all you do, in all you suffer, in all you undergo, just remember, Christ is with you, waiting, hoping, begging to accompany you and be that consolation that no one else can be. Remember that He loves you and He knows the plans He has for you, plans of HOPE and plans of a FUTURE (Jeremiah 29:11). Never forget, you are HIS.