Song Playing: "Clay"
An Original by Catherine Mulhern
EK
"Best Valentine " This is the caption I posted on Facebook with the included picture on February 14th. Oh how He loves us! I have never doubted that before when looking at His actions in His short life, especially in those last days before the Resurrection... The suffering, the ridicule, the cross, all endured for ME. And yet, there was still part of me that was so hurt, aching so deeply for relief from this physical suffering, this loneliness, and this fear that it would never end. I realized this was the third Valentines Day I had lived since all of these health problems began... how many more in the future would fall under the same category?
That night I lay in bed, thinking of the picture I had posted on Facebook and saying the phrase over and over, "Oh how He loves us... Oh how He loves us..." It's not that I ever doubted His love, but I just couldn't understand. Tears filled my eyes as I asked Him the question that had been on my heart for so long but I was never able to put into words before, "How can this possibly be you loving me?"
The fear, the loneliness, the helplessness came rushing into my heart. I was so confused... and then it began to turn into anger. Why are you doing this to me? If this is You loving me, I don't want You to love me anymore! How could you put me through this? The questions continued to come as my anger built. I eventually fell asleep after my heart had become hard as stone.
The next morning I woke up in the same state. I just didn't care anymore. I wasn't just mad with my circumstances, I was mad at everyone and everything. I didn't even want to pray. As funny as it sounds I thought it would be awkward... It felt hypocritical to pray in that moment. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the main reason I didn't want to pray was because I was afraid to tell God I was mad. I didn't feel like it was okay. He had proven His love to me in every hard circumstance in the past and I thought it simply showed a huge lack of trust on my part. So I didn't pray.
​ A good friend of mine who lives out of state texted me that morning and asked me how I was doing. I was very honest with her. I was angry and I was afraid to talk to God about it. She replied with a beautiful text message that made me cry. It brought a lot of peace and clarity. It also brought me back to prayer. I asked her if I could share it with you because, I know as she was typing it for me, it was also intended for you. As you read it, fill in the blank with your name. I hope that if you are doubting right now, after you read it you can say with total confidence, "Oh how He loves me!"
Text message:
"No ___________ don't feel bad for feeling that way, and be honest with God about how you feel! He already knows, plus it doesn't mean you aren't trusting in His plans! If you can't be honest with Him then who can you be honest with? If we can't be real with Our Creator and Lord then who can we be real with? He doesn't expect us to do everything perfectly! He expects us to try our best and trust, which you are doing, my wonderful friend.
This is yet another lesson of growing in trust... No it is not easy. But we are permitted to walk the path Christ paved to Calvary. We are allowed to suffer so that we can be eternally happy! I don't know why this is happening... I don't know why He's doing this... I can't even try to understand where you are and sympathize with you because the truth is, I don't know. I understand just a small fraction from my own life, but one thing I don't just believe, but something I know, is that His will surpasses our every dream and desire and will ultimately be the best for us.
That isn't supposed to be the magic words that make everything better, but rather a reminder from someone who has to a smaller fraction gone through something similar, that all the pain - depression - loneliness - anger - helplessness is just a phase but DON'T RUSH THROUGH THIS PHASE! Because right now you are experiencing to a smaller degree what Christ experienced that lonely Thursday night when He had been ridiculed and beaten and laughed at and left by all who loved Him.
In my life, yes, I will suffer like Christ, but I won't be able to match Him like you can right now! What an honor! To be spending some of your precious time on earth resembling Him more closely than most can! How He must love you to pull you this close! How He must yearn for you! Only you can quench this desire of His... I cannot. St. Therese cannot. St. Peter cannot. No. Only you, ___________ ___________ (first and last name) can console His heart in the way He's asking.
My friend, what a gift. Yes a painful gift, but keep your eyes on the wound you are helping to console, on His beautiful heart, and realize the gift you have been given. Do not envy us. We should envy you because you are living the gospel more purely than we can at this point. For He said, 'I thirst,' and you are quenching. He said, 'Pick up your cross and follow me,' and even though you feel stuck, you are striving leaps and bounds in His eyes. Ask Him to see when you start to doubt. He will lend you His eyes :)
Thank you, ___________, for reminding me of life's purpose... Jesus :) Thank you for your witness! It is inspiring! I love you! And I'm here always! You are not a burden! For when you share your burden with me, it lifts me to Christ. Not the other way around :) I love you! And He is madly in love with every part of you. Including the part that's mad at Him! Let Him know! He can take it :)"
Picture design by Stephen Hart
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