Song Playing: "Clay"
An Original by Catherine Mulhern
EK
A few weeks ago I called a good friend of mine, and, before I even dialed her number, I had to fight the tears from spilling over. I held it together as the phone rang, but as soon as I heard her voice, "How are you, love?" I broke down. Many tears came before any words could... When I could finally muster them I told her I couldn't do it any more. This cross had become too heavy...
In general, circumstances were the same. It's true that a few smaller sufferings had recently surfaced, but more than that, it was the lack of change, the lack of improvement. The longer you are under the cross, the heavier it feels, especially when there is no end in sight.
I imagined Christ cringed as much as I did when I said the following words, "I feel so hypocritical, but I don't want this. If I had the choice right now, I would not choose the cross." How much I imagined that must have hurt Christ. This cross, this opportunity to draw close to Him, to be dependent on Him, to console His suffering Heart... He was offering it to me. What a gift. What a beautiful opportunity. At least that's what I had been telling people for years as they suffered under their crosses... But more than that, what about everything He had done for me? How could I deny Him this? And yet, I wouldn't. I couldn't. It was just too heavy.
The words I would not choose the cross didn't have time to linger in the air before my friend responded, "Neither would He. If there was any other way, He would not allow this cross for you. He doesn't want to see you suffer, He is dying to take this away from you... and yet He allows it, accompanying you most tenderly, because He knows that this cross is sanctifying you. It is preparing you to spend eternity with Him."
Take This Cup From Me
Painting by Jeanna Henderson
To see more artwork go to www.absolutearts.com/portfolios/j/jeannalefay
I needed that reminder. It did not taken the burden of the cross away, but it reminded me of why I am under it, why I am carrying it, why the suffering is so very worth it: This cross is an opportunity to depend more fully on Christ, to encounter His love much more deeply and intimately than I could in any other way, to console the heart of Him who died for me, and to allow my heart to be purified and drawn close to His here on earth, so that I may spend eternity with Him in heaven. After that reminder, even though the burden of the cross was immense, I was able to pick it up once again.
A few weeks later I couldn't sleep. After hours of tossing and turning a proverb of sorts popped into my head, "When you can't sleep, don't count the sheep, talk to the Shepherd." I smiled and did exactly that. I don't know where the inspiration came from, but I began to ponder Christ's cross. His suffering. How big my suffering seems to me, and yet compared to His, mine is maybe similar to the single pain He felt from the dullest thorn that was in His crown. Maybe...
Then I remembered a quote I heard last Holy Week that had really affected me, "It wasn't the nails that kept me on the cross, it was My love for you."* And then it hit me hard "You had a choice, Christ, to carry the cross in pain and humiliation, or to let Your power shine through and put all the soldiers and Pharisees in their place right then and there. You were completely human, You felt exactly what I was feeling that night two weeks ago, You knew exactly what it meant to feel as though the cross was too heavy; You sweat blood, You wept, You asked God to take the cup from you.... And yet, You chose to carry the cross for me. I told you if I had the choice, I wouldn't do it. And even so, you chose to carry the cross anyway. Out of Love for me."
Whatever we are going through, Christ has already experienced. He knows how real, how raw, and how painful it is. And even so, He would rather take it upon His shoulders again than see us suffer it. But He allows it, holding us so closely, crying with us, but at the same time smiling through His tears as He pictures the moment we will finally be able to embrace Him and see Him face to face. That's what all of this is for. He knows what it means to want to walk away, but to choose to keep going out of love. Let us ask Him for the courage to follow His example.
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*Original source unknown