Song Playing: "Clay"
An Original by Catherine Mulhern
EK
I love the image of the flame. After hearing quotes like "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire" by St. Catherine of Siena, one of my constant prayers has become, "Christ, I want to be on fire for you. Make me the biggest possible flame that I can be so that you can use me to set the world on fire."
A little over two months ago I had just returned from my first semester of college for winter break. I thought I was going to be home for the month and then head back to campus, but as winter break went on, I started to feel worse and worse physically. This again... Now I had a decision to make: Do I go back to college, or stay home for the semester to try another treatment from another doctor? It was a decision I did not want to have think about, let alone have to make... So I pushed it to the back of my mind.
Three weeks into break I went to Rhode Island for a six day silent retreat with a group of missionaries who were participating in the volunteer program I had done the year before. I was so excited, not only to be reunited with good friends, but also because I knew I needed this time of prayer.
It turned out to be one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had done a six day silent retreat the year before, so the struggle of keeping the silence was not a surprise, but it was something more... Although I was blessed to receive the sacraments daily, it was a week of dryness in prayer, a week of much anxiety, a week of trying to figure out what God wanted, and a week with many moments of desolation. And through it all, I did not have peace in my heart.
We ended our silent retreat with a special mass where we were able to renew our baptismal promises. Just like at an Easter vigil, we each held a lit candle. I'm not going to lie, usually when I have a chance to hold a candle in mass, I pour the wax on my fingers and have a competition with my siblings to see who can keep their candle burning the longest without getting in trouble with mom, but this mass was different. After a week of emotional, physical, and spiritual struggle, all I could do was stare at the flame.
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"Christ, I feel like I am burning out. I am so exhausted, so confused... If only you took away these health problems that result in so much anxiety and unrest, I could burn so much brighter for you." And His response is one that I will never forget, one that I will continue to go back to for the rest of my life, "My love, you don't see it now, you don't understand it now, and you may not understand for a long time, but what I am allowing is the exact thing feeding the flame."
It wasn't a consolation that instantly filled me with peace or put me on a spiritual high, but it was one that I knew was true. God's ways are not our ways. I honestly didn't understand, I still don't, but I know His words are true. They are a promise. And Christ never forgets His promises. This is the exact thing feeding the flame. I went to the chapel the next day and Christ gave me peace in my heart as I made the decision to return home for the following semester.
I continue to use the image of the flame and have come to realize that sometimes Christ asks us to be more like the sanctuary lamp that hangs in the chapel rather than a raging bon fire, which I always thought I needed to be. Sometimes He asks us to be like that candle in red casing, a small, yet unceasing flame. But I have also come to realize that the smallness does not reflect the importance of the flame, for, when we are like the sanctuary lamp, we are asked to stay close to the tabernacle, to accompany Him. We burn, sometimes unnoticed, but when someone does see us, they know they are in the presence of Christ. That's what we are called to be: HIS light.
About thirty minutes ago, just before I started writing this post, I came across a bible verse that might just be my new favorite "flame quote": "Consider how a small fire can set a huge forest ablaze." James 3:5
Feeding The Flame
